Addiction Didn't End Her Story

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How we got here

00:09All right. This is exciting. This is what dreams are made of. Remember? Hey, nobody can take it away from us. Th- we actually got to this point, right? Yeah. Stephanie Gilstrap, do me a favor. How did we get here? kind of a loaded question. Oops. Um, long, long, long process. Um, but I'm 35 years old now.

A close childhood with her brother Trey

00:40Um, I grew up in a house with loving parents and a brother, a younger brother, um, that was kinda like my baby. He was only 14 months younger than me, so instead of baby dolls, I had a real one. Um- Baby Trey? Baby Trey. Baby Trey. He's now my little big brother. Yeah, Trey ain't no baby no more. He, uh, yeah. Um, but so we grew up really, really close together in age. Like, we were only one grade apart, and so, uh, I couldn't do anything without him, he couldn't do anything without me. Um, when we got old enough to kinda do our own thing, my best friend and his best friend started dating each other, so we continued always being around each other. It's a family affair. Yeah. Okay. Um, so I, I could pick on my brother, but nobody else could pick on my brother. He would come home and, like, cry and be like, "You gotta tell her to stop," 'cause, you know, I'd fight over him, jump in on his behalf.

A tomboy on the wrestling team

01:42Were you tomboyish? Yes. Okay. I would curl my hair and paint my nails, but I'd go out there and throw a football and- Fight with the boys play in the mud. Yep, fight with the boys. In high school I was on the wrestling team. first girl- Dude, wh- what? You were Now, where'd you go to high school? Pickens High School. Pickens. Oh.

First girl in Pickens County to win a varsity match

01:59first girl in Pickens County to win a varsity wrestling match. Are you serious? Yes. There's a first time for everything. My dad thought, my dad thought it was awesome, until my first wrestling match. He'd walk around and be like, "Yeah, my daughter's on the wrestling team," until he watched that boy pick me up between the legs and body slam me. And then bow back, kicked out. He was like, "I know I told you never quit anything in life, but please for the love of God, quit." Yeah. Um, so. That's great. I think, I don't think I've ever heard of a A- at least on varsity, at least. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. He, he did show back up when me and my brother both made the varsity team. He, he showed up to that, and he was like, "Yeah, the 2 redneck chi- kids are on," 'cause I had popped the boy's kneecap out of place- Oh and won by default. And, uh, my brother took a swing on somebody 'cause he- In a wrestling match? In a wrestling match. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And they would always mess my name up. They would always put Steven. And now Steven Gilstrap. All right, no. Correction, that's Stephanie. Then I'd come be-bopping out with my little pink undershirt and ponytail. Now, I've heard about men's and women's sports, but what about women in men's sport? I mean, I don't know. Yeah. They, they tried to tell me I couldn't do it. They said I had to recruit at least one other female to be on the team, so I recruited 4. They

03:20Really? Yeah. Y'all had 4? Okay. I'm not even gonna touch that with a 10-foot pole, right? So in what year w- was this, what? Probably from 2005 to 2008. So 2005 to 2008, you had 4 female, uh, varsity wrestlers on the wrestling team? Yep. How about that? Yep. Did you go to state or anything, or- No. No? Okay. No. Did you finish the season? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow. Good for you. You learn something new every day. Yeah. It was good anger management. It helped me kinda process the things that were going on at home.

When life turned in 7th grade

04:00Um, I know, like I said, I had a very loving family, and w- and we were probably about 7th grade is where I really remember life switching and taking a turn. Mm-hmm. Um, up to that point I never even heard my parents argue. I didn't even know that was a thing. Um, so the first time I heard them arguing was really my dad packing his truck and leaving and driving away. Mm. Um, and I, I later found out, and I now know it's because, uh, we had just moved to, um, back to Pickens County, but it was because my dad had returned to use. He was using drugs. Um, and in that time my mom wanted to kinda know what was taking her husband away from all of this, so then she started dabbling in it. And looking back now at how quickly things kinda disintegrated, we went from, you know, having both parents working, having 2 vehicles in the same home to, you know, we were having to share a vehicle and living in a motel. Um, so that was k- that was kinda hard. So- So just, just for the audience, you said, you made the statement of return to use. Had there been, like, some use prior to this that you were aware of, or? Never that I knew of. I know that now, like, he had a past history of dabbling with it prior, but- Yeah

05:23uh, apparently that's why we had moved away. Where I went to elementary and middle school- Mm-hmm was to run from it. But can't outrun yourself. So the cars start to go away. You start to have to, like, pack up and, and be a mobile family. What, what kinda impact do you think that that had on, on you? Were you aware or can you Do you have any memories about that time? I don't know if it was 'cause I was just that naive to what drugs really were or the impact that it had, 'cause I hear stories of people saying, like, their, their family used and that they were just kinda left to tend to themselves. But despite all of my parents' addict- they were there. Like, they would be late to stuff. Yeah.

Learning to be okay in chaos

06:06So I learned quickly to lie to my mom about what time something was supposed to be at school to make sure she got there on time. Mm. Um, but she was always there. If I ever needed them, they were there. Um, so-The family component was there, but I guess that kinda really conditioned me of how to be okay in chaos. Mm. And that's where I would learn to thrive the best. Mm. Or think. So you were saying, I guess about 7th grade, things started to get chaotic. Yeah, that's where I learned that, you know, life's not so peachy. There's problems. Mm. So how did that have an impact, like, I guess, as you navigated high school? Were there, are there any memories that kinda stick out over the others during that period of time? Of my journey through high school? Mm-hmm. Um, I would say I, I got along with everybody. I never fit in, like, one particular clique. Mm-hmm.

High school: wrestling, drama and ROTC

07:06Um, I used the wrestling as an outlet, uh, for the stress. I really thrived and jumped into drama classes, because that allowed me to be somebody different. Mm-hmm. Um, and then I was part of ROTC also. Um, Mom said we had to do it at least one year, 'cause her, her side of the family's very military, so- Yeah to teach us, you know, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves and to be structured and uniformed and held accountable. And I hated it my first year, 'cause I did not like people telling me what to do. But then I learned the more you do it, the more you get to tell people what to do. And you like that. So I, I stuck with it all 4 years, so that part was good also. And then attach- like, learning to be a part and fit in the different groups got

08:03allowed me to express the different sides of myself. And then I really ha- and actually, I did the career center, too, and I was in there for law and public safety. Mm. Because I eventually wanted to go and be in the Air Force to be a JAG. Okay. Was, was my plan in high school.

Her first real loss

08:26And I had met, um, a boy in there named Toby. And so when I really think of, like, stuff that happened in high school and how to navigate that, that was my first real loss. So the every day we had this class together first thing in the morning. It was like routine. We split a, a Mountain Dew and powdered donuts, and he always stuck 'em in my book bag, like stuffed the wrappers instead of throwing it away. But there w- he met me after class one time, told me, walked me to the car line, and he said that he would call me later. We had a field trip the next day, and, um, he never called me. But I got up early that next morning, went and got us biscuits from Hardee's, got to the school, so I'd missed the morning announcements. But I later found out that he had got shot and killed the night before. Mm. And so that was my first real loss and heartbreak. Um, and that was where my dad was like, "You know, this is, this is the first time that something's went through that I haven't been able to fix." Mm. And so that's something that kinda carried with me a really long

09:42even still now to this, this day. Mm. I'm sorry you had to experience that. What was the story around that? So Toby lived with his mom, and his grandfather had just moved in with them, I think, 3 months prior when his grandmother had, had passed away. And so the grandfather's, like, mind was going. And, uh, they came and picked him up from the school, and there was an argument, I guess, with his grandfather and his mom, and so she pulled He kept saying he was gonna leave. He was gonna just He was gonna leave and not be there. So she parked behind his truck, and he got out and went to the truck, and had pulled a gun, and went to go shoot the mom, and Toby jumped in front of his mom and saved her life. Dang. But I had never met his pa- family up until that point, and I just remember going into the funeral and, like, I went to go introduce myself, she was like, "We know who you are. Our son loved you very much." And so that meant a lot to me. And that happened probably 2 weeks before my 16th birthday. Mm. And he had promised he was gonna come to my birthday party. So his dad and his sister showed up and brought me, like, some of his old T-shirts and pictures and stuff. So we still send Christmas cards, and I go out to his grave every year on the, on the anniversary of his death and- Mm

11:14on his birthday and put flowers and drink Mountain Dew and- Mm powdered donuts. Um, but always And I don't post it on social media to, like, get credit for it. Mm. But so his mom sees it, and she always messages me and thanks me for that because I don't, I don't ever want her to think that all this time's went by and it's just- Yeah not remembered. You know, I've, you've I've heard you talk. You know, there are times like, "Hey, I'm going out," and all. But, like, that's actually taking the time to actually kind of go through and have this experience. Um, man, that must have had a tremendous impact on you. Yeah. How, how do you think that

12:03Did, did your life change after that event?

The first time she wanted to numb

12:08I think that was my first time in life I ever wanted to be numb and not feel. Um, I would probably say shortly after that's where I probably started drinking, going out to house parties and stuff like that. Do you remember the first time you drank? Hmm, I'm pretty sure No? Just like that. No. But, I mean, that's about typical. So you're 16 years old, now you have a traumatic event, but you had the, the birthday party 2 weeks later, and so it's kind of a- Well, yeah, how do you go back to class to law and public safety and talk about gun control? Yeah. Yeah.

House parties and moving out at 18

12:59But you do recall, I guess, at about 16, going to house parties. Mm-hmm. Right? So tell me about that. Yeah. You know, that was back before Life 360 and all that. So you tell your mom that you're going to her house, and she tells her mom that she's going to your house, and you're really just out at some boy's house- At his house, yeah who you've never met before and playing beer pong. Now, what's your parents' use like at this time? Is it functioning stuff, or is it- No, they'd have, like, functioning periods. But a lot By that time, me and my brother were a little bit older, and we were just always gone. So they were always gone. Um, so I w- I will say probably about 17, though

13:50Okay, back up. So all these house parties and all this stuff, my best friend's boyfriend, we all hung out a lot, and then his cousin was always there. And so I just started dating the cousin. Um, and so then I started working a job that was close to the school, so I could just walk, leave, and just start getting a little bit of my money, because I was ready to go. Like, so as soon as I s- found out that I was old enough in the state of South Carolina that where I didn't have to live at home anymore and I was working, I packed my stuff and I moved out, and I moved in with my boyfriend at the time, with him and his mom. Um, and so that's probably where I remember my 18th birthday. They brought a bottle of Canadian Hunter whiskey and was trying to see if you could make it to 18 shots. I think I made it to, like, 13 before

14:55Before what? Ugh. Ugh. So bad. But he smoked weed. He smoked a lot of weed, and that's where I know I had alcohol before I had marijuana. Mm-hmm. And I really liked marijuana. So then you started smoking weed. Yep. And you're like, "Yeah." Yeah. "I like this." Yeah. So you're basically trying to move towards independence, because if we're honest, home life is a disaster. It's not really a safe space. You know, it's chaotic. Mm-hmm. What kind of substances were your parents using? Methamphetamine. Oh. So we know it's definitely chaotic. Mm-hmm. Probably things taken apart all over the house and And hoarded. That show, Hoarded, like, I don't, I can't even watch it. It's, like, traumatizing. Hmm. That's probably why you're so- Yeah, I'm talking about, like, the dumpster diving. Strapping shit to the top of the car, like

15:57So, uh, w- is it fair to say at 18 you're out of the house? Yes. And you're smoking weed, but you, you're working. Had you completed high school, or? No.

Falling short of graduation

16:06So I fell a credit and a half short of graduation Why? And because I had missed a lot of school. Um, like there was I had a issue with my back, and then I was out with wrestling. I had broke my finger. Probably milked it more than what it really was, but just missed it. And I had one test in each class that I needed to take, and I asked them if I could, and they told me no, that I had missed the deadline for it. And so I wouldn't be able to walk and graduate. Um, and so by that point, me and that guy had broken up, and I started dating his sister's ex just to, out of spite. Oh. Um, yeah. So that, that ended up

16:53Long story short, that was chaotic and didn't work, and I was at home for a little bit, but me and that ex ended up getting back together. And I went home a couple of times, but long enough for me to get my footing and I was gone again. Um, so then me and him moved in into our own place at that point. Why do you think you kept losing your footing? Self. Um, running away with no plan at all. Just anything was better than where I was at. Were you partying? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We were always somewhere. Yeah. Either out in a field at a bonfire or, again, at somebody's house in college town. That makes sense. But you always knew you could return home. Yeah. Yeah.

Meth Mansion and a pregnancy

17:45And so, like I said, we were living together then, and then I came up pregnant and, uh, that was shocking but exciting at the same time. Mm. And I was probably about 18 or 19 then, too. Um, but I was working. We had Well, it should've been, it should have been a red flag and obvious, but again, I don't know if it's 'cause I was that naive or I just didn't wanna see, see it for what it was. Um, but the, the apartment complex that we lived in was called Meth Mansion in town. Oh, okay. So you lived in Meth Mansion. I lived in Meth Mansion. Were you using meth at this time? I was not. You're just smoking weed, drinking a little bit. Yeah. Well, I wasn't even doing that because I found out I was pregnant. Once you found out you were pregnant, you kinda cleaned up. Mm-hmm. Are you working or? Yeah. Yeah, I was, uh- Okay

18:40I went from working at Arby's to working at the grocery store. Okay. Yeah. But it was something, and you know, rent was not as high as it is now. Yeah. So you, do you think you were, what, somewhat excited to kinda like maybe have like a little family of your own and- Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um, and then all of a sudden, like there, there started to be some, some issues that came up with that, and the doctor kinda put me on bed rest to where- Mm I couldn't work. Um, but we had a, a friend that stayed downt- or downstairs in the apartments, but he was in the military and he was hungover. Like he, and he had to be back on base by a certain time. So he had asked if he could pay us if, you know, my boyfriend drove hi- him and his car down to the military base, and I'd followed behind them in our car. And so my brother was with me just so that I had somebody with me.

The miscarriage

19:40Um, and then when we got there is when I had to be rushed on military base for emergency D&C- Mm um, because I had lost the baby. Um, and that was devastating. Oh. So you're just trying to transport the neighbor who's in the military living in Meth, Meth Mansion, and you have a miscarriage in transit. Mm-hmm. How far along were you? I was about 14 weeks. Oh. For it to still be early, but far enough along to where it had to involve surgery. Oh. But I think that was my s- second big hurt to where I wanted to numb, which I did. I turned straight to the tequila bottle. I'm pretty sure we didn't make it off military base before I stopped. How long were you in the hospital? Just, just for that day. I was released that night, and I don't remember a whole lot after that, but, um, I know there was a lot of confusion and hurt and anger. I know I had, like, outbursts of anger on that. Um, but I remember looking at, at Kevin and being like, "I don't know why I am so sad and you're still just up and going." Like, I mean, I guess I know why. I was the one that was pregnant, but this, this involved you too. And that's when I learned he was doing meth. Oh. You'd had no suspicions or- I had no clue. No clue. 'Cause he's just up and energetic and- And just going. Like, what's wrong with you? Yeah. Numb, non-emotional. Yeah. So, um- He comes clean. Yeah. Um, and so from the neighbors, who were IV meth users, I learned that after the fact too. Um- Did you have this conversation a- on the way home from the military base- Mm-mm

21:55or was this, like, a couple weeks later? This was a few weeks later. Okay. Um, a few weeks later. Um, so then he told me I wasn't allowed to, I wasn't allowed to do it. How'd that work out?

Her first time using meth

22:14Well, I went and talked to the neighbor my damn self. Um, so meth being introduced to me was introduced to me in the same way that they did it, which was IV. IV. You remember the first time of that? Mm-hmm. What was that like? Oh. I don't know if you can explain what that is, but it was just an up and a go, and everything was okay. It just felt like everything was okay. Like, then it was like the, the more that I kept doing it at the beginning, I was like, "Why is everybody not on this" Like, this is- the

23:01I'm getting so productive. My house is clean. Like I, I'm at work. I was losing weight, starting to look good. Like, I was like, "Everybody should be on this." Like, why, why is this been- Why, why isn't everybody on the go fast? Yeah. So it was out the gate, that was your thing. Mm-hmm. Yep. And it didn't, it didn't slow down for a while. Um, but as you can imagine now, not only one of us are on meth, but 2 of us are on meth. And obviously the arguing got worse.

Arguing, an ashtray and the locks changed

23:38Um, we had a 10-pound ashtray, and I remember just picking it up and trying to throw it at his head. Um, I don't remember what the argument was about, but that, that's how severe it got. Like I was, I was trying to really hurt him, and I was, like, destroying everything that I owned in the process. So that wasn't good. I think it irritated me, too, that even though I was using and still working, he, he couldn't hold down a job. And I'm like, "What So I packed his stuff in a trash bag and called my daddy, and he came and changed the locks in my house, and out you go. Called his mama, said, "Come get him." So you sent him on away. Yeah. All right. Yeah. And you were good to go, though? I was

24:25I thought I was. Yeah? Thought I was. Um, but then I'd went to the neighbor's house. Their dude was there. Um, and, and when it was introduced to me in that way, it was, "Never let somebody work it up for you. Always keep an eye on how much is in it." And I turned away for, like, dot-2 seconds, and apparently he put double my amount in it. Hmm. And I remember afterwards looking in the mirror and literally watching my eyeballs jump out of my head. Like, I thought I was gonna die. And I kind of b- like, blacked out after that. Um, and I'm not sure what the timeframe was after that, too, but I was still just numb and to myself. I'd got another job working third shift, 'cause, you know, why couldn't I work third shift? Um, but that dude had came over one day to my apartment, and he was asking me something stupid. And I had went into my room, or went to the bathroom, and I came back, and I told him he had to go, and he left. But apparently he had, he had drugged my drink to where I was conscious but unconscious and couldn't move. Hmm.

The night she was assaulted

25:55And so I was sexually assaulted that night. You remember it? Yeah.So before my parents' drug use, before all that came out with my mom, my mom worked for Rape Crisis for 13 years. So I, I knew what I was supposed to do. Um, but that's the thing about life, you can know what you're supposed to do until you're in it. Mm. Um, but that's when I came clean to my, my parents about what was going on and what I was doing and what had happened. So needless to say, after that, my parents, uh, came and packed all my stuff up and I had to go back home with them. Mm. Um, whether or not they were using, they probably were, um, kept it away from me. I did sober up. Um, my great-grandmother's older sister was living with them.

Home again, caring for Great Aunt Helen

27:04And so for the next year, I got to take care of my Great Aunt Helen. And so I was her caregiver. She had Alzheimer's and dementia. She had leukemia, so I was taking her back and forth for blood transfusions, um, and taking care of her, and that was fun. I still smoked weed. Um, I know more about that lady than I think anybody else does. With your great aunt? Did she know you smoked weed? Well, me and my brother were smoking weed and she'd take the blunt from us and be like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Helen." Um- That's great but that was cool. But I went back, I, I went back then and finished my classes and got my high school diploma, and I was valedictorian when I did that, so. Really? Mm-hmm. Well, congratulations. Yeah. Took a minute, but- Took a minute

27:56hey, we, we got it done But I got there. Um, but I'll say, like, after Helen passed away, um, I moved out again. Okay. You said you were at home, what, about a year? About a year. So life was probably pretty good during that time, I would imagine. Yeah. You got some things accomplished. Yeah. No meth use. No meth use. Just smoking weed. Just smoking weed. Nice. So you move out. What prompted you to move out? Because nothing was keeping me there anymore. Mm-hmm. Helen wasn't there, um, 'cause she had to be watched ar- around the clock. Yeah. Um- How old are you at this time? Probably 21. Okay. 21, 22. So what do you get into? What do you start doing? Um, so you remember the guy that I said that I, that was my ex's sister's- Yeah. Yeah, okay. I moved in- Well, this is some Pickens- upstate South Carolina backwoods stuff, isn't it? Well, I moved, I moved- My sister's ex's brother's sister, right? I, you know, I get it. Well, I moved in with his sister because me and her were friends. Y'all were friends. We were really good friends. Um, and so she, she had gotten married, um, and they lived together and they had their kids, and so I moved in with them and I got to take care of my godsons, which are now my godsons, but they were about two and four at the time. And so, um, I moved in with them, helped with the kids. Uh, they let me borrow their extra vehicle so that I could find a job.

Waiting tables in downtown Greenville

29:39I got me a job waiting tables in downtown Greenville. Uh-oh. Um Uh-oh, city life. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And from there, um, one of the first questions they asked me at orientation was, "What's the difference between a wheat beer and a stout" What is the difference between a wheat beer and a stout? Uh, my response to them was if it was not Bud Light on a beer pong table, I had no idea. So my homework instruction was to go sample and try all of the beers, all 35 beers that are- Nice on tap- Yeah to figure out which one's which. And you, did you do your homework? Yes, I did. Absolutely. Yes, I did. How'd that work out? Uh, I'm, I became a big fan of IPAs. There you go. Right when the trend of IPAs probably started, right? Yes. You're 21 years old. Yep. So now do you know the difference between a wheat and a stout beer? I could tell you the taste difference. Oh, okay. And alcohol content and- Yeah. So you live in, you're l- you're down in the city of Greenville, and you know, as we know, Greenville's one of the fastest growing cities in the country. All right? And so it's probably a change of pace. You're young, life is vibrant, right? Mm-hmm. Exciting. You're making probably some pretty good money, right? Nobody can tell you nothing. Yeah. Lots of guys hitting on you, girls hitting on you, right? Yeah. Free drinks. Free drinks all the time. Yeah. Right? Find the service industry bars- Yeah

31:19that usually stay past open. So let me ask you this. Did drug use ever come into play in that scene? Not in that scene. Not really. Um, when I was working downtown, I met a guy that I worked with, um, and so when he transitioned from waiting tables to doing a big boy job, um, he was gone throughout the week. He was only home on the weekends, so he was like, "Well, let me help you out. Like, you can come and move in, and it'll be like you have your own place here in Greenville. You're closer to work." And so I did, um, which was cool. I got to do my own thing, hang out with my friends throughout the week, and then I got to have my best buddy on the weekend. Yeah. Um, so that worked out for a little bit. And live cheap. Yeah, split bills. Um, it was- living the best life. Have your cake and eat it, too. Yeah, and, um, so no drug use had came up at that time. A lot of drinking, though. A lot of drinking.

Cinco de Mayo and a surprise pregnancy

32:22Um, and then I, I would say, I, actually, I'm not gonna say or think, I know it was Cinco de Mayo. Uh- I, I know that's when it happened, but you know, shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. Did you know that Cinco de Mayo was actually created by Corona to sell more beer? Hmm. Not, it's not Mexico's Independence Day. Right. Believe it or not. I mean I didn't know that. Did you know that? No, I did not. I, you might wanna check me on that, but I think that's the ca- I thought it was like, you know, that's fun fact trivia stuff, but- It's, it's Tequila Day. That's a fact. Tequila. Tequila's my best friend. You and tequila have a special relationship, huh? We do, yeah. So Cinco de Mayo, what go, what, what makes that day so special? Because from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, I think I even took 2 naps in between just so that- I could keep going, um, it was nothing but tacos and tequila all day. A- and I do, I, I know we went to go see the Iron Man movie. I have no idea what happened, but I had taken- the margaritas in my purse and it busted- Uh-oh

33:28and I was so mad. And I think that's why we left. You're like, "We're leaving." Yeah. "I'm out of margaritas." Yeah. So- So what was special about that day? That I'm pretty sure that that's the night that I ended up pregnant. Shortly after that- Oh is when I found out I was pregnant. Okay. Um, which completely complicated the dynamics of the 2 friends living together- Yeah trying to get by. What happened? Um, well, he ran off and got married. Um- Really? Like, how quick did that You're like, "Hey, I'm pregnant." I found out in June. I think he was dating that girl, but they ran off in October and got married. R- really? So you get pregnant in May, but you find out in June. Mm-hmm. You tell him- Mm

34:20that you're pregnant, and what was his response? Um, that he was there for whatever I needed, um, and that he wasn't going anywhere, that, that he would step up and be a dad, um, and that we would figure out as we go what needed to happen. And so what were you doing during that time? I just kept doing me, 'cause he, he had 2 apartments, 'cause he worked out of town, so he was at one apartment during the week, and then, I mean, I was still by myself Monday through Friday. Mm-hmm. Um, he did help me get a car. Mm-hmm. Um, I got a different job that was closer, that was not in the downtown of it, still in Greenville, but it was within walking distance if we wanted to. Um, but I, I even

35:13I think the day I found out I was pregnant, I, I think I had 3 cigarettes left, and I think I just sat there staring at it and chain-smoked the last ones that I had. But then I quit smoking. I started eating right. Because I walked around with that fear that I was gonna lose this one like I did the first one. Yeah. So- And then, so then you find, then he leaves in October. You find out that he's getting married. D- what impact did that 'Cause did you like him? Yeah, but I knew, like, there was somebody else. Like, I kept my distance, and I was respectful of that. Like, it wasn't- Now, had you, were you seeing anybody else? No. You just- I mean, it's kinda hard to be like, "Hey, I'm carrying somebody else's baby. You wanna go out" Well, even even be- even be- but before that, had you seen other people in times where you were just good? You know what I mean? Yeah. So but then he leaves and gets married. How did that impact you? Um, I It's 'cause she was fixing to go to school in another country. Mm-hmm. Um, he was in the middle of a custody battle with his, with his son. And so- Oh, so he had another child already. He had

36:36Yes. How old was the child? Uh, 4. Okay. Um, so my, my suspicions are that he was in the middle of that custody battle, and on paper it looks better to have 2 people in the home- Mm-hmm and not the one that you met at the bar that's pregnant. And a little wild. Touche, touche. So there was that. But he was still gone. I remember, like, towards the end of my pregnancy though, um, I told him, I was like, "Look, I" He was going on his honeymoon. Mm-hmm. Like, they got married in October, but they didn't tell nobody. Like, they just went and done it. Um, he was, like, going away on his honeymoon and I was like, "I don't think you should go," 'cause the baby wasn't due until, like, February 3rd. Mm-hmm. And this was in December. And he was like, "Why" And I was like, "Well, what if the baby were to come" And he was like, "Well, you still got a couple months. You're good." Um, but I'd went to work the very next morning. They sent me home because they were like, "You just

37:49No." And so I'd went to my parents' house to start cleaning up my old room because I knew, like, I had to move out of there. And so I remember just not feeling well. My dad w- I was like, "I'm gonna go back home." And my dad made my brother go with me. And I drove stick shift, and my brother does not know how- Nice to drive. So my brother's telling me all the way there, he's like, "Well, you should let me drive." And I'm like, "No." He was like, "Well, what if you were to go into labor" I was like, "I'm not gonna go into labor." Um, so I stopped and got me some churros and made him make me a grilled cheese. That's what I wanted. Um, and then I just got was, was really, really sick. And it was kinda cool 'cause my mom's baby sister is only, like, 5 years older than me. Mm-hmm. And so her kid and my kid are only two and a half months apart, so I got to go through my pregnancy with her. Oh, nice. And so I called her and told her everything that was going on. I was sick all night. She was like, "Yeah, you're in full-blown labor. Like, you've got

38:52We got" So my brother's like, "I told you you should teach me how to drive your car." But she had to load her baby up and come and get me and take me to the hospital. And I was, I was already dilated. So then they admitted me into the hospital, put me on a magnesium drip, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It makes you feel like you are on fire from the inside out. Mm. And you can't cry, 'cause if you cry it makes it worse. Mm. Um, and I just remember snapping pictures of the IVs and trying to send it to him like, "Told you." So you're coming in hot- Yeah at the hospital. Yeah. So when, when was the What How early? 'Cause the baby's due February. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Early labor and the NICU

39:39So I went- This is- I went into the hospital on December 19th, and they kept me hooked up to stuff and she came December 22nd. Right before Christmas. Right before Christmas. Dang. And that was a hard thing, too, because, because she was early she had to go to the NICU. Mm-hmm. And so I was released on Christmas Eve, and, like, how do you leave the hospital without- Your baby without your baby? Where'd you go? To your parents or?

Told to leave the day she left the hospital

40:11Um, the night I got released from the hospital, I also got a message from him saying that I needed to not be there. And so I left the hospital and went with my parents to pack my belongings to move out. Um- Are you serious? Mm-hmm. So you have the baby at the hospital, you get released the day of, and you get a message from the father of your daughter telling you you gotta leave. Yeah. 'Cause his new wife didn't wanna come home to her new home with the stuff of a woman that he's now got a kid with. Oh my goodness. So I went and left the bed but took all the sheets, left the trash can but took all the trash bags, left the conditioner but took the shampoo

41:08A little spiteful there, huh? Maybe a little bit. Mm-hmm. Well then, how do you f- how do you feel about that situation? How did, how did you, how did you respond then? I mean, like, how could you really respond to that? Well, I mean, if we're doing these passive-aggressive things, like, if you look back at it now emotionally, I mean, were you hurt? Were you- Yeah upset, angry? In all honesty, looking back at it now, I shouldn't have packed my stuff. Yeah. Like that was my house. That was my house as, just as much as it was your, if not more so. I know your name's on the lease, but I was there. Now, did you, did you realize that maybe you had Did you have any kind of feelings towards him as well, or? I mean, yeah. I mean, we've, we've always had a weird relationship. Like, we've always, like, cared about each other and loved each other, but never put a label on each other. Mm-hmm. Like, we've never identified as boyfriend and girlfriend ever. Yeah. A situationship that has worn many hats. Yeah. Well, I guess we're gonna- He, well-

A situationship that wore many hats

42:24he's also a man-whore, too, and so he used to always say he had, that he had 5 women in his life, a best friend, a girlfriend, a best friend, a girlfriend, a lover, a baby mama, and a bitch. And I was the best friend, but he'll now tell you that I've wore- All 5 hats I've been all 5 at 1 At 1 point or another, I've been all 5. I could see that. I- As a matter of fact, I think I actually have seen the phases of all 5 hats over the years. Yes. So, um, and, and, you know. And some of those hats rightfully so. Um, so how does that play out? I guess, you know, your, your daughter, who I love your daughter, you know, I guess for our audience, and they'll find out, you know, you and I, we have a, a history in working together- Yeah uh, in the field that we work in. Um, as well as I'm kind of privy to the dynamics of this relationship and- Yeah

43:20and have ridden the, the- Rollercoaster the rollercoaster of Stephanie's relationships. Yeah. Uh, but during that time when she comes home, you're at home with mom. Did he, did he follow through on what he said he was gonna do as far as, like Yeah, so she got my name, um, because, you know, it just was what it was and there was, I would probably say about 4 months, 4 or 5 months, where that was a thing. I ended up getting a third shift job as a med tech at a nursing home. Their, their marriage did not last, like, but a few months. Like- A few months? A few months. Well, when she made a comment about she would love nothing more than to see me and the baby go through a wood chipper, he was like, "All right, you gotta go." Are you serious? Yeah. So he put- Did you hear this? No. Um, no. Now why, why would she say that? Where, w- I've seen, I saw the text messages where she said it, so I know she said it. Well, were you somewhat

44:27I guess y- your and his relationship was probably, uh, explosive at times, I would imagine. Yes. 'Cause you need to do this, and you know, you need to, you know, like Not at that, not at that point, because at that point, I really was trying to let you do your thing. I told him the day that he met his daughter, "If she grows up to love you, it's gonna be because you did that. And if she grows up to resent you, it's gonna be because you did that." Mm. "I'm not going to force you to be a dad. I'm not gonna beg and plead for you to do that. But I'm not gonna do anything to hinder that, because I love my dad, and I think every girl should have that opportunity to have that bond and relationship with their fathers." And that's a great perspective to, to have. So, uh, you know, your daughter's a couple months old, and now, you know, his marriage ex- implodes or blows up. Yeah, and he had moved apartments completely. Um, and we were literally just shifting back and forth because we lived so far away from each other with the baby so that I could work third shift, that in all honesty, it didn't take very long before we were living back together. Mm-hmm. Um, and he got him another traveling, gone, he, job. He was gone, and again, it was cool. Like, it, I got to be a mom and do my thing Monday through Friday. Mm-hmm. And then she had her dad and I had my best friend on the weekends. Um- Now are you back-Drinking and smoking weed at this time, on the weekends or- Maybe, like, yeah

46:05smoking a joint here and there. Yeah. Yeah. We're drinking and smoking again. Yeah. Drinking and smoking again. Um, and I will say there was a couple of times, like me and him, when the baby wasn't with us, dabbled with coke. Um- Nice but I, I didn't like that. Like, it pissed me off because I was like, "What's the point in this" Like- this is a waste of money But you would, you would sniff coke, not shoot it. Or would you shoot coke? Well, I, I did that once, but How was that? It's just not like that meth. It's not the same. Yeah. It's not the same. On that go fast. Yeah. Yeah. Um- Had he ever, did he know anything about meth? Not really about meth. He, he did coke, a lot of coke and alcohol- Yeah

46:55before he had moved to South Carolina. Yeah. So he had a history of it. Yeah, so y'all did, y'all are doing some of that recreationally, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Working, y'all are working it out. Things are, you know, kind of working as they do. So how long did that last? Until, uh, he quit working out of town. How long was that? A couple years. Oh, so y'all had a, things were working out there for a while. A couple years. Yeah. And then he comes back into town. Yeah. And then he was home all the time, and- And you didn't like that well, I don't think he liked it either. Like, he hated his job. He didn't like what he was doing. Um, that's when you really, like, kinda see people's issues that, and pet peeves that kinda get under your skin. But it was

47:45I guess, I only drank on the weekend. I didn't realize how much he was drinking throughout the week too. Like- Was it like every day? Yes. Yeah. Um, and so it ended up getting very, very toxic. Like, it got physical a couple of times, and just, just yelling at each other, and just, it was, it was not a good environment. And both of us, like, agreed that our daughter didn't deserve to be in that.

Two happy homes

48:16Um, so for the first time ever, I was able to go and get my own place with my name on the lease, just me and my daughter. Mm. Um, and so we moved, and we had 'Cause we agr- both agreed that it was better for her to have 2 happy homes than one dysfunctional one. So I moved out, did, did our own thing. I was there for probably, I'd say a year. So this is about 5 years since I had stopped doing the meth. Mm-hmm. It was a good solid 5 years of not doing that. And around that time, you know, me and him weren't in a good place. Like, we were arguing a bunch, um, 'cause it was like a sense of control. Like, you know, at least when I was in, under his roof, I would do what he wanted me to.

Her dad's prison sentence

49:16Um, my dad had just got sentenced to a 10-year prison sentence. What'd he get in trouble for? Um, for, for manufacturing meth. Oh, so Dad graduated and upgraded. Yeah. So, um- he, he, he went down the road. Um- Now, were y'all close during that time? Me and my dad? Yeah. Absolutely. You've been close with him the whole time- I've been- no matter what I've been close with him the whole time no matter what. Yeah. Um, we would- And there, he's somewhat, I guess, like, functional meth user, kinda. I mean Yeah. I, like I said, no matter what they were doing, they were there. Yeah. Um, now we bumped heads a lot when it came to baby daddy. Oh, I could imagine. But- I mean, for more reasons- That's expected than one, yeah. Right. I mean, everybody in this story right now is n- is toxic, right? Yes. Not in a good place. Everybody's just out of control. Dad's, you know, gets the bright idea to manufacture meth, gets a sentence. Like, to get on the radar for something like that, you know. It had been going on for a while. Yeah, you gotta be doing something. So how did that impact you when, once you found out? Like, 'cause that had to be a process. Yeah. Um, it was, it was super hard 'cause I didn't have my dad. Like I said, I'm a huge daddy's girl, but that was where a lot of the fear of I'm not, of, or me labeling myself that I'm not enough to keep anybody around, or the abandonment of having to do everything by myself- Mm

50:49of being the stable 1 Mm-hmm to handle it all. Yeah. You know, I, um, when I As I hear you say that, you know, I, I, I was raised by a single parent and, you know, she put herself through college and medical school after, you know, post having me. And so, having kinda grown up with- in that experience, like, I have a huge admiration for you. 'Cause even today, like, I know that your daughter's, like, the most important thing, and you're extremely independent, you know? So even during this period of time, it's just, it's admirable. You know, I just, I, I look at our culture and, and men today, 'cause that, that's a topic that's very important to me- Yeah is, you know, men have to take responsibility, you know? And what I'm seeing in today's

51:45It's just, it's getting worse. You know, you got 30-year-old, 40-year-old men sitting at home in their, their parents' house playing video games, and it's like, what are we doing? Right. You know? Um Right. That we're having to beg for the bare minimum. Yeah. Well, you know, I take care of my kids. You know, like, I think about when I hear the, the child support. I take care It's like, bro, you're $100 a week. What, like, it's nothing. Right, that ain't nothing. It's nothing. Yeah. The time and the energy, you know what I mean? 'Cause it, you know, I work with a, a lot of men- Mm on the other side with, with addiction and substance use, as well as, you know, mental health. But just overall in our culture, period, right? It's, you know I d- I don't personally have But if I ever had a child, 1, we're not talking child support, 'cause that just isn't enough. Right. But it's the emotional. Mm-hmm. And I didn't even realize the impact that it had truly had until, you know, later in life- Yeah

52:45because I'm trying to put it You know, I'm in survival mode a- as it is. But, um, you know, I just wanna make that point. It's truly admirable. You know, 'cause we're m- we're really probably about to get into the spot of your life where things kinda get very dark. Yeah. But still being able to, you know, in that 'Cause you were by yourself, you know what I'm saying? If dad's got the charge and, and literally just trying to be emotionally supportive of that, the drain that it must have had. Yeah. Then on the other side, you know, the, the father of your child, and, and maybe to his own accord, has his own challenges with substance and alcohol use. Mm-hmm. And that's, you know So I can ha- I can be somewhat compa- 'cause you don't know what you don't know. But having to, to share that bur- carry that burden independently, man, that had to be tough. Yeah. Yeah, um, thanks for that. Um, but I was working, had everything on my own, and then I had to start picking up, like, little serving jobs as a part-time job. Um, and so Dad's gone, and one, I wa- like I said, I was a single mom working a couple of jobs just trying, just trying to make it, and I just wanted to clean my house. And I remembered, like, prior- like, I just need the energy to do all the things that I need to do. And as, as messed up as I know it sounds, that was also something else to keep me and my mom and my brother connected. Mm. And that was our substance use. And so we were all into it by this point. And, and so it didn't immediately start right back up the way I used to, um, but it, it, if

54:45Like, like the first time, like, I was getting the energy, I was losing weight, I was keeping- Mm-hmm things float, things

Back to the needle

54:51And I was very functioning for so long, and till I put a needle in my arm again. Mm. And it's acceptable because the family unit with Mom and your brothers, you know, everybody A- and you know, if I think to, you know, we talk about multiple pathways in, in The Daughter's Opinion, it talks about the alcoholic life because it seems normal. Yeah. You know, everybody's doing it. Mm. No, everybody's not- Right doing it, but everybody in my world- Is is. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So now you graduate an upgrade and you're back with the needle. Yep. What happened then? Yep. Um, so I had a high school friend that was a boy, um, kind of- Of course yeah, kinda came back around in the picture. Um, and he was just hanging out at the house a lot, um, and my baby daddy did not like that. Um, and so he showed up and was wanting all of us to drink one night, and I was like, "Nah, no." Um, and so I went into the room with ChloeAfter asking him to leave, apparently them 2 got into a physical altercation out in the driveway. Mm. Um, and so they beat the hell out of each other.

DSS and a custody case

56:14So that, that turning point of event is where baby daddy took and put a private action against me to take full custody of my daughter and called DSS to start a DSS investigation. So I had now had 2 legal cases going about the same thing in 2 different ways. Hold on. He wants to come over and thinks the 3 of y'all need to drink together? Mm-hmm. And then gets in a fight with said guy, it, uh, interest. Yeah. And then all of a sudden files a case on you. Yes. Yes. So, um, so now I got DSS all up in my business and a private court action. Now hold on. Now if we were to ask him, what's his story to this? There's 2 sides to every story- Yeah

57:10right? And so I'm hearing- I'm not sure 'cause I can't speak on it. I was in the other room. I don't know- You've never a- No but you've never asked him, like, "Why did you put a DSS case on me" No. 'Cause y'all talk to this day, right? Yeah, and we're good now. But you never asked- I learned my lesson like, "Why'd you do this" No, because, because even to this day- Shit I can, I can tell you, I, I can admit where I'm wrong in it and know that it's not all his fault, that I played my part. Yeah. But I am still the villain in his story when it comes to this chunk of life. Mm-hmm. And I'm not going to argue with somebody that's not willing to see where their own faults were. So we have kinda

58:00We've tried to talk about things in this area, but it, it never ends well, so we just agree to disagree. Mm. Understood. So, um, it's been my experience that it's not fun dealing with DSS. No. No. S- so what was that like? Um- They start getting in your business. They start getting all up in your business. Um, and so I, I kinda tried to I thought I was slick, tried to dip and dive and not do what they asked me to. No, I'm not gonna go take your drug test until a judge tells me I'm court ordered to do so. Mm-hmm. Um, tried to cheat the system. Uh, I prepared for the saliva and the hair strand, passed those, failed to even consider that they were gonna pop my urine. Obvious, right? That's the number one, yeah. Obvious, right? But passed all the other ones, did not pass that. Um, so they're getting all up in my business w- when the private action, because it's so confusing because both were going on at the same time, so that created way too many chiefs and not enough Indians, and no communication between the 2 cases. So they immediately gave us, in the private action, 50/50 custody, week on, week off. And that was, like, I guess the taste that I had of not having her with me, and I absolutely hated it. 'Cause here we are, I've been with this child every day for the last four and a half years. Mm-hmm. Um, what do you mean she, uh, she's gotta go away for a week? Um, so there was that, but then when DSS was, because they gave him temporary full custody until I could act right. Um, and so they, they told me I had to go to the Phoenix Center and do their assessment and do their IOP, and that I had to go to parenting classes. And they kept telling me all these things that I needed to do, but not how to do it. So let's

1:00:15I wanna f- I wanna freeze time. Okay. And step outside of yourself. You're using meth- Mm-hmm right? You're fighting with everybody and everything. Mm-hmm. If you, if you were to see the, if you were to see the old you now, if you could take the snapshot and look at that, what, what do you think that would What, what does that really look like? Like, what does Stephanie Gilstrap, at that point, when DSS is involved, you're using meth, Nate's got, or baby daddy's got full custody, and you're all of a sudden having to go to parenting classes, detox, all of this, what's really going on? Like, describe that to me.

A bowl of spaghetti

1:01:06Picture a bowl of spaghetti. Okay. And that And it's just one huge piece that's up in a knot, and you have no idea where to even begin to find the end of the beginning. Is it fair to say that it's just a disaster- Absolutely and you're a mess? Absolutely. Absolutely a disaster. And But I think I was so 'Cause, you know, with meth, like, you're so caught up in your head. Mm-hmm. And it's like, well, what about all these things that I was doing right? What about everything up to this point, we're just gonna forget that it happened? What about their faults, like, what they've been doing? Like, because it was really easy for him to paint the picture of how he's Mr. Perfect and look at everything she's doing wrong. So it was

1:01:58You know, if I can't talk to that person, I'm going to dilute the image that everybody else has about her. A- and I think that's one, right? 'Cause And this is the thing. I, uh There's one angle that Because I don't wanna dis- dis- discount it or discredit it, and I really I want our audience and people that get to, to hear this. Because the change of who you are today is, is some, is miraculous, right? Right. M- think about just one, like, m- m- when we talk about what meth does to individuals. As somebody You know, I mean, and I've done meth. I've, you know, I've done all, all of them. How do you, how do you think that substance impacted your ability to feel?

What meth numbs

1:02:49Well, you don't get to pick and choose which emotions you numb. So I was trying to numb the hurts, the loss, the abandonment, the struggles. But it also numbs your ability to have peace or joy or contentment or drive or purpose. It numbs all of it. So I didn't have one. And then the only purpose that I thought I had a hold of, that I was good on, that couldn't be taken from me, was now gone. Mm-hmm. So how, how are you supposed to be okay when the one thing that makes you okay is not there? Um, so by that, uh, at So at a certain point, it got that he got full custody and he just took her completely. So there wasn't even the week that I had her anymore. It was just whenever he said was okay. And so, you know, the, the other aspect of that, because let's just be realistic, in our culture with stigma- Oh, absolutely

1:04:00Uh- Including me he can say, "She's on meth." What was that like in dealing with the court and the, the caseworkers? Like, "Do y'all know how much he drinks" You're trying to point it over there. R- well, like that, but yeah, I'm doing this. Well, I, I, I would have to still say I was in denial. I was still, "You might have that positive drug test- Yeah but I don't do meth." Yeah. You w- you're minimizing the severity- Absolutely of like, I'm high on meth. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? There's a little kid- Because it's, in my brain, I'm still functioning. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. And you're a fighter. Yeah. So the court's over here like- I don't like to be told what to do and the court's over here just looking like, "She's gone." Yeah. Yeah. So it boils down like, uh

1:04:49They're like, "Look, you gotta go do some parenting class. You need to go get off the s- off the shit." Yeah. Like, "We got, you gotta do something." What, what made you throw in the towel? Um, so they And I went and did everything that DSS had asked me to do, and I, I- All right. So walk through that. You can't just gloss over, "I did everything." That's a lot. Right. Well, I had to go to a parenting class. 'Cause how long were you involved with DSS? Over a year. Oh. Over, over a year, because

Doing everything DSS asked, twice

1:05:21So I, I ended up doing everything DSS asked me to do twice. Because I did it the first time. I went to IOP. I went to the parenting classes. I went to anger management. Um, I did all of that. And then, and I, I would say I probably got a good 5, 6 months of sobriety under my belt. I was going in, I was doing my journaling. I think they even graduated me early in IOP- Mm-hmm because of my self-discovery journal that I had started and all of that. But I wasn't doing it for me. I wasn't doing it because I wanted to. I was doing it because somebody was forcing me to. Mm-hmm. So then I was like, "Okay, I've got a handle on this, so I won't use as much. I'll still manage." Mm. And I went right back out. Um, because also too, like I really felt like nobody

1:06:25And that- that's me and my emotions up in my head, that nobody wanted to see me succeed.

The Dave & Buster's birthday party

1:06:31Um, and so it hit a point to, it was my daughter's 5th birthday, and yes, I was using. Uh, but I went to Dave & Buster's for her party, which is where I, I was told it was due. And I called my dad. My dad And my dad's out of prison by this point, and I remember thinking that like, "I just need my dad. When my dad gets out, he's gonna, he's gonna whoop me into shape. Like, I know I need him to." Mm-hmm. Um, so we were all there at the Dave & Buster's, and I had somebody with me, and I knew that the conflict was gonna come up between, between me and baby daddy. And so I was like, "I need you to just have this camera going." And, and they did. And so it ended up, he was trying to put the kids in the car and drive away from me. And when I opened the door to tell my daughter bye, he picked me up and body slammed me in the parking lot. Mm. Um, and when I hit the pavement, I remember thinking like not, "Ouch," or, "I can't believe you did that." It was, "My dad's going back to prison. He's on parole." And he just watched this happen. Mm. Um, and he was well on his way to come over there to do that until he found out that I had it on camera.

The turning point

1:07:55So then baby daddy was arrested for domestic violence second degree. And I would like to say that that was the pivotal point that I quit using, but that was the pivotal point that I quit putting a needle in my arm because it had to happen. Now I can recognize that it had to happen that way because in, in, in a sick, twisted way it kinda evened the playing field for me because, yes, I might be doing drugs, but now you have charges on you for domestic violence. Mm. So the It was a realization that the only thing that was keeping me from getting my kid back now was myself. It wasn't because of the image that he's painting out or making himself to be or how negative it was. It was, it's you. It was your image. Yeah. Yeah. Like you've got

1:08:44Now you've gotta do- So when did What gave you that epiphany? Um- You know what I'm saying? 'Cause you said- I guess watching him get, drive off in the cop car like- So he went there and then you- you're standing at Dave & Buffer- Busters, and you're like, "All right. I gotta change my life." Yeah. "Let me get my daughter." Yeah. And, and so now, like with the DSS component to it, she couldn't be with either one of us. Um- Mm but because he was the last one with custody, he got to pick where she went. And so he picked one of his girlfriends. Yeah. Picked one of the girlfriends and, uh

One hour a week with her daughter

1:09:23So then it went to I was only allowed to see my daughter one hour a week under supervised visits with her. Are you meaning to tell me- Yes that the, a judge in the state of South Carolina in family court saw fit to release your daughter to some girlfriend of a, of a man that just abused you? Mm-hmm. In what world does that make sense? 'Cause they're just friends. Like- It does- Even though I tried to show them pictures that, you know- It's not even like- had not been cleaned it's not even you. It's like- Yeah it's not like a mother or a father or a relative. Yeah. It's some girlfriend. I even offered to move out of my own house so that she could be with my dad. Yeah. So that she was in her own room and her own space with family. How'd that make you feel? Uh, it, it made me real angry, and, and I'm not real sure what that twist was, but that hurt and anger, instead of me wanting to numb it, I allowed it to fuel me to prove my point that I could do what, what I needed to. And so at that point, I'd done

1:10:37already done what DSS wanted me to, so I was like, "Okay." I went back to Phoenix Center and put myself through IOP. I went and did anger management again. Mm. And the difference this time, though, was there was a 6month no contact order put in place. So I didn't have to do anybody else's hoops except for what was on paper for me to do. Mm-hmm.

Finding FAVOR

1:11:02Um, and in that is where I was in IOP, and FAVOR came and did an, an outreach, and that's where I heard about this community. And I, I, I remember leaving there and going straight to a meeting, and then in that meeting somebody said something about this type of meeting, and so then that night I was there. And so it was really whatever I was doing bouncing house to house to find my dope is how I had to bounce around to find my recovery. So for our audience, because this'll be one of the first things that we're rolling out, right? You, you said this thing called FAVOR, right? Yeah. Well, because it kinda has something to do with this thing that we're kinda doing. We'll talk about that more, but- Yeah what is that? What, what are you talking about? So FAVOR is a nonprofit organization recovery community in the upstate. Um, and so it's just to offer a place of people that are also in recovery, is

1:12:03It- the staff is in recovery, but they lead meetings and coaching and all these different resources just to offer a safe place for people to go and to do fun things and stuff. So how'd you find out? They came You're in a Phoenix center- Mm-hmm so you're in detox, right? Mm-hmm. Going back on through, right? And, uh, how long ago was this? Mm, 20- Well, the first time I heard them come through, I guess it was about 2019. Okay. 2020 is when I completely s- stopped using. So we can say 6 years ago. Yeah. Right? So 6 years ago you hear about this place. So, and you get out of detox- Mm-hmm right? 'Cause what was that, a week, 10 days or something? Mm. Right? Walk me through the next, I guess the next year. So from there, I just went to any meeting that I could, tried the different meetings everywhere, came to family groups, tried the, the meditation, Buddha practice, what, like

Her church and the ripple effect

1:13:04Uh, and, and really got plugged into my church, um, which that's a cool story in itself. Um- We got time. So the, the way the church community happened was when I was in active addiction, I was taking my dad's truck, and he was so worried about me and didn't know where I was, and it was the closest church within walking distance. So my dad just started walking there. And then when I was allowed to start getting supervised visits to where Chloe could come a little bit, Chloe started going, and she would be like, "Mom, uh, won't you go with us" And I'd be like, "No, I really don't want to." Um, and I hated females. Like, I didn't trust females. Mm. To the point in early recovery, I, I had a, a, a male coach for a little bit just 'cause I didn't trust the females. But I did start going to the church. Um, and it was a church that had huge women's ministry in it- Mm

1:14:06and they catered to single moms. And so they really just kinda At first I was like, "Well, you know, y'all don't understand what I'm going through," until I found out, like, you know, that person had a struggle, and that person yelled at her kid. And I was- Mm like, "Oh, okay, so y'all are just really just people- Yeah that have figured out something else that I just wanna know more about." Yeah. Um, and so from there, like, my daughter's gotten baptized. My best friend is now a member of that church. Her and her son have been baptized there. My brother is now there. My mom's now there. Like, what started out as my dad walking because I had taken his truck is now 2 pews full of people. A family affair. Yeah. The ripple effect. Yeah, the ripple effect. So, you're

1:14:58I know that your faith is extremely important to you, which is, is an incredible thing. I, uh If I think about it, like, I've never heard somebody say, "I need to stop praying so much. It's messing my day up," right? You know what I mean? Right. So Yeah. And, oh- I would grab onto Jesus don't have faith. Right. And what I've come to discover, th- this is what all I'll say about faith is everybody has faith in something. Yep. It's just whether or not it's the right thing. Right? Um, but I guess you So you're, you're You got exposure to some recovery community people, man, and, you know, the, the- things seem to start coming together- Yeah for you. And, uh, so I guess what When h- what was that first year of, of recovery like for you? So, so true real- true recovery. Well, I got

1:15:50I, I

March 11, 2020: her sobriety date

1:15:51My last use, my, my sobriety date is, uh, March 11th, 2020, right at the break of the pandemic. Oh. Um-So I came home and I had a tooth pulled, and I remember just wanting to, like, sleep. And the world had apparently shut down in that time that I was just wanting to sleep because of my tooth. Um, and so we couldn't go nowhere anyway. Uh, I My dad said I had to check into dad's rehab. So here it is, my apartment, everything's in my name, and he puts a tracking device on my phone. Um, he takes the keys to my car where I have to check them in and out. Um, and I have to let him know where I'm going, when I'm going, and a lot of times he drove me to my meetings. Um- and he went with me just- Yeah

1:16:48to make sure I was there. Um, but he, he'll tell you now, as long as she was asking for spaghetti or milkshakes, I knew she was fine. And so the first 3 months, I think that's all I lived off was peach cobbler milkshakes and spaghetti and sleep. Nice. Um, but I checked into dad's rehab, went to the different meetings, and did all that, and I'd say November of that year is when DSS finally closed the case, 'cause it kept getting postponed because of COVID. They wasn't letting anybody in- Mm-hmm into the courts. Yeah. Um, but they had I guess that's really where my faith had happened, because I knew, like, at that point, it didn't matter what was being said, I just knew it was gonna, it was gonna go okay. Mm-hmm. And I remember, like, walking into court that day and, and you know, the attorney being like, "Well, this is what's gonna happen." And whoever my attorney that I didn't even know I really had walked in and was like- "Get away from there."

Getting her daughter back

1:17:54And walked out and came back, and he was like, "All right, you got full fuck custody. Go pick her up from school." Nice. And so I was able to go pick her up, and that was November 12th of 2020. Um, and we put went home and made hot chocolate and put the Christmas tree up. Um- Awesome so, so I got her back, and shortly after that, I didn't I worked, I got a job working in a nursing home for a little bit there. Nope, that's not I did that during 2020. Um, but with COVID, everything was still so up in the air- Mm that I just kept doing recovery, getting back into the parenting thing. Parenting during COVID was the craziest thing in the world.

Back to school at Greenville Tech

1:18:39Um, but I decided that I was gonna go back to school. So I- Nice I applied for Greenville Tech and to go into their human services program. Um, and I don't like patting myself on the back all the time, but I killed that. Like I, I, I did the thing in school. Good for you, man. Um, I made all A's. I was on president's list every semester. Um, I remember telling the professor there, like, "I feel so out of place 'cause I'm the oldest one here." And what she told me was, 'cause she knew I was wanting to go into substance abuse, is she was, she told me, "That's okay, because you've been a little bit seasoned in life- Mm-hmm so you're more apt to stick with it than the ones freshly coming in." Mm-hmm. And I got the president's award for that when I graduated. Only 2 of us- Wow

1:19:34got a little plaque. Had to make a speech. That was- Show off. Yeah. It was intimidating. I was so scared I was gonna fall.

Reconnecting with FAVOR

1:19:43Um, but during my final semester there, I got to reconnect with FAVOR because I got- Mm-hmm to do my internship. so then I got to be a little bit more involved, and then in between graduating, I just kept volunteering, kept showing up for meetings. Got a job working in my daughter's school just so I could be in the school. I got to be the PTA mom and serve on the- Got to be the volleyball coach at the YMCA and- Yeah. Yeah. Coach. Yeah. Coach Gilstrap. Yeah. Yeah. I still see I still get to, to see you from time to time during, uh, various athletic seasons. You put your coa- coach hat on. Yep. So how did you make the tran- what happened in order to make the transition? And let's just kind of get current. Like, how did s- how did you get to where we are right now? Um, waited for, uh, it was, like, probably about a year between me graduating and doing my internship to getting hired. And I kept asking about it. I think, like, every 2 months, I was like, "Y'all hiring? Y'all hiring" And I just knew that I was meant to be here. Mm-hmm. Like, I couldn't settle going anywhere else but here. Mm-hmm. Um, and so they finally were like, "Yep." Like, "We're hiring. Put your application in." And so I did, and it was almost immediately. Um, and that was

1:21:19It was a cool thing to, like, tell the school that I wasn't gonna be there anymore. Like, I- "I'm going to go do my purpose in life now." Yeah. Like, it, it's time for me to do that. Um, and then, I don't know, 4 months after I started, like, all the staff as I knew it left. Boom.

The word "cultivate"

1:21:38Um, and I had, I had been praying of what my word was gonna be that year, and right at that turn, it was cultivate, and I was like, "What, what are you gonna do with this cultivation" And now looking at it, we, we both know that's exactly what happened here. Mm-hmm. It was lay it all out, bring all new people in, and, um, me and you kinda Yeah. I'll never forget, like, the first day you were kinda, like, sitting in your 0 And you know, I guess for our audience, and if you're ever in the area in Greenville, South Carolina, uh, please feel free, come to, uh, 355 Woodruff Road, Suite 303. Um, it, it can be a little overwhelming, you know. Um, I guess if we, if we put a bow on it, you know, FAVOR is

What FAVOR Upstate offers

1:22:28You know, FAVOR Upstate i- is, is a one-of-a-kind thing and place, right? You don't really A- and it's been my experience. I've been around this healthcare industry for 2 decades plus, and I've been at grown up in a hospital. You know, my mother was a physician and And so, you know, in, in a past life and, and working in this space and knowing a lot about, um, you know, healthcare and, and substance use and treatment and, you know, all of the, all of the, the things. Because there was no peer support 20-plus years ago, right? Um, and i- in South Carolina, you were really limited as to even what kind of, what treatment was there, you know? I mean, and even to this day, uh, unless you have some, some really good insurance, you're really limited to what you, what you have the 0 opportunity or, or access to. Um, what's cool about what we get to do is everything is at no cost to the individual, you know. Our, our belief and philosophy is that we believe that everyone everywhere deserves a fighting chance at, at recovery. Mm-hmm. And it's beautiful that we have the opportunity to meet people where they are. Mm-hmm. And so, you know, as I hear, you know, hear your story and, you know, today, you know, 'cause I get to see you all the time. But going through, you know, the one thing that I can say is, like, you've been there. You know, when, when you're having to

1:24:04You're, you're growing up as a young child and the impact that, you know, substance use has 0 in the family dynamic, you know, it was right out the gate. And, you know, you don't know what you don't know, but as we look back, and, and you couldn't see it when you were in it. And the experience of loss, and then we watch the, the progression, um, of what, what these things do to us. 'Cause it, it, that And you know, the, the thing that's crazy is it never starts out bad, you know what I'm saying? It starts out fun. But having the opportunity to, to do what we do is, you know, 1, we have the opportunity of training peers, you know. Um, that peer movement and really what FAVOR was able to do, uh, those individuals and pioneers that came together to, to give individuals, uh, a path forward to be a part of the solution. And we're really an incubator of innovation, right? Like you, you're very instrumental in, in, you know, a lot of our creative programming. You know, we use, uh, our art and, and creative therapies to help individuals. We use

1:25:15You know, you do wellness programs, mindful, uh, meetings, as well as on the other side, dealing with, uh, the family. You know, and having your experience, you know, with the, the father of your child a- as well as other family members, you know, we didn't really get to talk on it, but I've You know, what's really cool is, you know, I've been there with you through Trey's evolution, your, your brother, you know. Like- Yeah it was bad out there. And, and now- Yeah like, I see where he is today and, I mean, it's, it's a mi- it's a miracle, right? But, you know, in, in the couple years that we've been together, all the different things. Like, like when we If we stand here now and we kinda look back, like, what we're doing right now, right? Like, because I think it's important for our, for our audience.

Planning this podcast

1:26:05Like, we've been planning this for over a year. Yeah. Right? Like, we're gonna do it. Hey- Yeah what about, do me a favor. All right. Yeah. You know, in between the raindrops of running- Yeah 50 programs and thousand people a week coming through the, and ups and downs and trying to have some form of a quality of life, which- Yeah, that folder's been deleted. It does show on my computer. But yeah, it's been a while. So, you know, 1, speak on, like, from the beginning of your, when you stepped into the field as a newly certified peer to now, what, what are the differences, right? Like, what are some of the exciting changes and things that you have just seen in that? And then how do you see it moving forward? As well as what do you hope to do with

1:26:52'Cause for those of you who don't know, Steffy and I, uh, the, you know, the, the podcast and what we're looking to do, like, we want to create a, a catalog for individuals and, you know, we wanna use this as a tool to help other people. Right. Um, and we're, I guess, we're guinea pigs right now. But I just would like to hear you speak on, like, w- how it started for you to now, and where are we going, and how, what, what is it that we're doing? How is it, what does all that mean, and how does that play out? Looking back on it now, um, like I said, the word cultivate was probably the most accurate word for that because it was kinda just floating, and it was just getting by and just kinda rolling with it. And when everything was, you know, wiped out to start over, I had to learn a lot real fast about what was going on, meeting all kinds of people. And even though I'm very extroverted and thrive off of talking to people, it scares the crap out of me sometimes. Mm-hmm. Um, but what we have built is taking the messy, and it can still be very messy, so, and make something really good from it and in- intentional. So I think intentional is something that's a big word from what used to be until now, um, instead of just hoping it all works out. Um, because where I am at now, if you were to put the things that we do now on me a year ago or 2 years ago, it wouldn't, I wouldn't have been able to hold it up.

Edit and amplify

1:28:40Um, and I think that is learning who we are in these new seasons and taking, like you always say, how do we edit and amplify? How do we take what we're already doing and making it better? Um, and the last couple seasons, it's really, instead of helping everybody else in their recovery, what am I doing for my own so that I can help you in yours? Hmm. Like, I can't, I can't let that part slide. Um, but the team that we have here, besides the people that come through the doors where we have the ability, like, I could not imagine going through the trenches of the ups and downs of the seasons with any other team but the one that we have. Um, and that's something that's really awesome- Mm

1:29:34that most people can't say. I don't think I've ever been able to say that I love my team as much- as I do now, ever. I love We need to get shirts. I know. So let me ask you this, 'cause you were talking like, what is, you know, m- you know, recovery never stops, right? Mm-hmm. Or it might sometimes, but y- you suffer, right? Or we're learning, right? We're either, we're either going in, we're in the middle of something, or we're going into something, or we're coming out of something, right? Mm-hmm. But we're always, something's always going on. As far as, you know, if you could share anything for your own just, like, personal recovery, where are you right now? What are some things that you've learned? 'Cause here we are, it's the new year 2026. Mm-hmm. Right? And, you know, where, where are you at right now and where do you hope, where do you hope to be this time next year?

Where she is now

1:30:28I love my spouse's group. Like, I love that. I wanna continue building that. I love the women. Um, I think with my story, with everything that I've been through and some of the specialized groups that we do here, that those women are crucial. And recovery, uh, I mean, addiction's not going anywhere. You mentioned the stigma against moms. I was Before it happened to me, I was that person too. Like, "How do you lose your kids" Until you realize just how quick and easy it is to lose your kids. Mm-hmm. Um, so helping to break that stigma and learn to help with the self-identity and how to take care of yourself when the things that make you okay aren't there to help you be okay.

The pillars of wellness

1:31:22And so we've talked about this with the pillars of wellness, like, that's something that I have to, outside of my faith, really be honed in on. What am I doing for my physical wellbeing? Am I getting enough sleep at night? Am I getting up when I'm supposed to? Am I eating? Um, sometimes for me that's because I'm in the c- in the house to the car, from the car into here, and get lost. Is it, are you going outside and getting some fresh air- Mm or some sunshine instead of just taking your vitamin D vitamin. Mm-hmm. Um, mental and emotional, I have to sit in my car for 15 minutes before I walk into the building just to switch from home to here. Am I sitting in my car for 15 minutes to switch from here to home? Mm. Am I reading? Am I What am I listening to? Am I listening to the things I shouldn't be? Am I watching certain things? Like, what's occupying my time that's draining my energy? Um, social, as much as sometimes I don't want to be around people, I just wanna go home and, 'cause I need that, I have to be around people. Who am I talking to? What am I doing that's fueling that? The spiritual component, not just on church on Sundays, but what am I doing to check in on a daily basis with that- Mm

1:32:40with where I'm at to align me and, and what I'm supposed to be doing. And then personal development, and you will call me out on this if I don't call myself out. Time management and organization skills are always gonna be in my wheelhouse of personal development. But that's also where, am I journaling? Am I painting? Painting is my one. That's how I get outside of myself and something that I enjoy that helps me think and process things. So if something's not right in me, it's usually 'cause I'm lacking in one of the areas, and it might be as simple as you haven't picked up a paintbrush in 3 months. Mm. So that's a good indicator if you're not painting. Yeah. This is exciting. Yeah. It'll be interesting to see when we sit down a year from now. Yeah. It's gonna be a good year. Yeah. It's gonna be a good year. No one can take this one away from us, kiddo. We did it. Yep. So I wanna thank you for doing this. I know you're probably a little bit nervous, but hey, we did it, and there's more to come. Yay.